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I had a conversation with Emily several weeks ago that I keep thinking about. The weather outside was nice and I agreed to let her lay down on our porch swing in the backyard for her rest time. The back of the swing folds down and actually makes something like a small bed. Since there was enough room, I decided to join her. I had tons of stuff to do, but decided to instead try to finish the last chapter or so of a book I’d been reading in for months. Emily often has trouble settling herself down and getting still. This was no exception.

Emily moving all around trying to get comfortable.
Me: Emily, please be still.
Emily: (still for a few seconds before squirming again) I need a pillow.
Me: (handing her a porch swing pillow) Here, now be still. You need to rest your body for a bit.
Emily: (still for another few seconds before moving again) What time is it?
Me: It’s not even 2:00 yet, probably 1:30. Now, rest your body!
Emily: (aware that I am not wearing a watch) How do you know what time it is?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Now rest!
Emily: But how do you know?
Me: (Getting a WEE bit irritated by now, I place my finger on the sentence I was reading, look her in the eyes and speak sternly. ) I am the mommy. I know. Now, just REST!!!

That was pretty much the end of the conversation. She stayed fairly still after that. I picked my book up to finish reading the paragraph I’d been trying to read for the past several minutes. I followed my finger to the word it was still touching. It was the very word I’d just spoken: REST. I don’t remember now what the paragraph was actually saying, but it was speaking about resting in God. I sat there for a few minutes and then listened in on myself having the following conversation:

Me: I’m concerned about all the things that still need to be done before L’s wedding.
Voice: I know, but it’s okay. Just rest a bit.
Me: I’m worried because we couldn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat last week and I’d sure feel a lot better if I knew that our baby was real and alive.
Voice: I know it’s hard. But I promised I’d hold you though this. And that promise didn’t stop this summer. I’m still holding you. Just rest, okay?
Me: We have so many big changes coming up and it’s just all so overwhelming, and…
Voice: Yes, I know about them all. Now, just rest!

(Notice I did not say God said those things. Maybe he did, or maybe my brain just said what I think he’d say. Either way, I still got the point. And I don’t want to risk putting words in his mouth.)

I did finally put the book away and rest on the swing for a bit. And I have thought about the conversation a lot since then. But did I really rest? I don’t think so. I don’t know that I really know what that means or even how to do it. Did I stop worrying about things? No, of course not. Is that really even humanly possible? How do you really NOT worry … about ANYTHING … at ALL? I sure haven’t figured that out.

On another note, some would say I should have dealt with the original sitation better and not have been so patient with Emily in the first place. If she wasn’t going to be still and rest like I’d told her, I should have immediately addressed the situation more sternly. Andf maybe I should have. However, I am glad that the voice telling me to rest didn’t lose it’s patience with me, as I was starting to do with Emily. And still hasn’t lost patience with me. I struggle with knowing what my response as a parent should be to situations like this. On the one hand, as a good parent I am supposed to be enforcing the things I tell her to do, right? On the other hand, I see undeserved patience and grace being shown to me ALL the time for things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Mostly by God, but also by George, my kids, and others. But I can’t go around showing undeserved patience to her all day, can I? Or can I? Ughh. I have NO idea.

Filed under: Faith, Thoughts on February 12th, 2006